First, I want to thank all the new followers that joined me on Twitter last weekend. What started out as a simple Tweet of a prior article seems to have resonated far and wide with many young men. I am humbled, and daunted, by the words of praise sent my way and I will do my best to keep writing about Man, capital M, to the best of my ability to do so.
I also received an email that busy weekend from a young man looking for me to mentor him. I debated how, or even if, to respond and wondered as well if this request was real. When someone reaches out and shares a life story of hardship and pain looking for your help, how do you respond? It was an email that was startling in its implications. We writers in the manosphere have a huge responsibility. We are helping young men, many of them in poor mental, physical and emotional conditions, to try and become men.
Before I address this young man's request for my mentorship to becoming a Man, I want to first say to him...
Thank you for taking the time to write to me and share your life story. I apologize for not responding, but I am being careful with whom I do. I also want to thank God for Mila Kunis. You have good taste my friend, very good taste.
As for my advice on becoming a Man, what I have decided to do is all that I can do.
I will try to articulate some universals I believe hold true for all men looking to become more authentic, more confident and more powerful, no matter where they are starting from in life.
Whatever your life story to date, never fear your past or who you are. What you once believed to be a source of failure and shame will soon become a source of strength and unique identity.
So let's begin.
To become your own Man, you must look within & be your own guide.
As flattered as I am that you consider me worthy of giving you advice on becoming a Man, I am not going to lie to you. And I sure as hell am not going to ask for your money.
As hard as this is to hear, knowing your personal situation, you have to become your own guide.
Trust yourself. Even if you don't feel you can, you must.
By all means, read my blog, read others, read books, talk and converse far and wide. But if you want to become your own Man, a leader, don't ask to be told, to be taught, or to be shown how to become one.
I don't say this to denigrate or to disuade you from reaching out to other men for advice and help. I do encourage you and I am glad you reached out to me.
What I want you to gain from this post... and it is the single and only point I want you to retain and believe...
You must be your own guide.
You become a Man when you walk your own path.
As you begin that journey, here are seven steps I think will help guide not just you, but any man, at any stage of life.
I - Relax. Breathe. You are ok.
I cannot stress how important simply relaxing is to the masculine soul.
How you relax is up to you. Even if you are unemployed, homeless and abandoned by society and reading this post by some miracle on a free internet library computer, you can always find a place to sit, to be still and to just be thankful for being alive.
Whatever has happened to you up to this point in your life, is in the past. It does not define your future. Let all thoughts of what was fade away, and leave the mind empty of fear of the future.
II - Gratitude. Just be thankful you are here.
When your mind is relaxed, focus on simply being grateful. Raining today? It takes the heat out of hot summer nights. Soaking wet living on the street? You could be in jail. Life can ALWAYS be worse and for someone, somewhere, it is.
This is truly the root moral problem in The West: no one... no one... is grateful anymore.
If you can begin to be grateful for just one thing every day, you are a whole universe ahead of just about everyone around you.
III - Exercise & eat healthy.
You don't need a gym. Start with the basics.
50 body weight squats
Can't do 50? Start with one. Then two. Then three. Exercise every day, even if it is just going for a walk. Start to build up your body and when you can, get in the gym. And then get into a martial art, or a sport, or any hobby that is physical that you enjoy doing.
Man is a physical creature. He MUST move.
He was not created to sit (as I sit here typing). The more you move your body, the more comfortable you will become with it.
The more comfortable you become with your body, the more you begin to connect to the masculine energy it contains and will soon be able to tap into.
You must also begin to eat more healthy food choices. This may be the hardest part, so again, start with something simple.
Drink nothing but water. Milk and juice is ok, but I want you to get in the habit of reaching for plain old water each and every time you are thirsty. This will save you a lot of money as water is free and available at the turn of a tap. The body needs water and the majority of people simply do not drink enough. (NOTE: It goes without saying that you should also cut out alcohol.)
Once you get into the habit of drinking more water, hopefully only water, you will naturally want to start eating more healthy foods. Again, keep it simple. If it is in a freezer or prepared in less than 10 min after purchase... pass on it.
IV - Do something. Work.
If you don't have a job, get one. Any job. If you are looking for work, always clean up your apartment, the room in your parents house, or your box on the street until you find a job. Keep busy doing something every day. Anything.
The number one cause of all mental conditions is negative thinking. The Buddhists have human psychology 100% correct. Everything begins, and ends, in the mind. When you are idle, the devil slips in and begins to whisper. He makes you doubt, makes you self criticize, makes you do anything but stop thinking about how your life sucks instead of how lucky you are.
When you are not busy working, exercise to help keep negative thoughts away. Everytime you start talking shit about yourself and your life, or someone else does, find the time to go blast out 10 push-ups and sit-ups. And then 10 more, or however many you need to you start breathing hard and stop thinking negative thoughts. When your body is in pain because it can't breath, every single negative thought you had about yourself that day goes pooooooff!!!
When you are not working and not exercising, begin to...
V - Read
The rest of your free time should be spent in your local library.
Find a book... any book... that sparks your desire to read it. I could, and many other manosphere writers will, give you a list of recommended books to start with. The problem with that is... those are MY books and MY interests, NOT yours.
The key to leadership, to masculinity, to manhood... is knowledge.
A Man's knowledge MUST be self-directed.
If you are constantly reading the books other men recommend, you will never hear the voice within. Again, by all means, take advice on good books, but always guide your reading by what interests you, not some other guy.
Now that you are relaxed, healthy and have gained some knowledge, no matter how small or great...
VI - Reflect
Not think... reflect.
Reflect on your life. Where it is. Where you want to go. Seek out advice and council, then return to yourself and continue to reflect about what you want from life.
This is not navel gazing. You are too busy for that. But you will now need to take the time to do some serious reflection on your life. This was impossible before because you were not relaxed, not healthy/fit and not working. In short, you were depressed.
Now you are not. Now you are rested, reading and have some money in the bank. Now you can truly begin to plan your life. And when you begin to formulate a plan, you must...
VII - Take Action.
Don't wait to start something. Make a mistake. You may lose some money, but it won't kill you and you can always make the money back.
When do you know it is time to take action?
The minute you don't want to do any more research or doing more research is not answering the questions you have. The only way to get started in life as a Man is to take action to start living as one.
Always keep this maxim in mind. When in doubt... take action. Action will either clear the doubt or confirm it. Doing nothing leaves you right where you are... doing nothing and going nowhere.
And... that's it.
Yup... that's all I got for you. A mere 2400 plus words and a skimpy 12 min read.
Did you notice I did not recite a PhD dissertation on what is an 'alpha male' or how to walk 'with confidence' or project an aura of amused mastery or explain hypergamy or blah blah blah blah blah.
My God... the advice out there if you had asked anyone else would go off like a nuke in your head. Where would you start?
Becoming a Man is not hard. Western men have made it hard by complicating it beyond belief.
If you follow all the above steps, every single lesson on 'becoming the alpha male'... will not be needed. You won't be alpha, YOU WILL BE GREATER THAN SOME STUPID GREEK LETTER. You will be a Man because:
- you are relaxed, and thus social and able to laugh
- you are fit and healthy for which women will notice
- you are well read and knowledgable, gaining respect from other men at work and at play
- you are not superficial since you have thought about your life and are living with purpose
- you are a man of action who does not sit around waiting for life to happen TO him, but goes out and makes life happen FOR him
How can you fail to become a Man, capital M, if you embody all of the above with hard work and patient persistence?
You can't fail. It's impossible. You just have to put in the work.
But there is another point I included in this post. Did you miss it? The one between the lines?
Ok, here it is.
You don't need me, or any other man's guidance, to do any of the above.
There are some good manosphere writers out there. Some of them offering good advice, and perhaps even good mentorship to young men that need it. That said, I would prefer you start by trusting yourself before you trust other men. There is also a lot of snake oil being sold out there. If you are starting from nothing on your journey to manhood, you won't be able to tell the difference between bad and good advice. Nine times out of ten, it will be some guy trying to convince you they have the answers and without their "wisdom", you will never become a Man.
Don't fall for this bullshit.
By all means. If you find a guy online YOU respect, and you really think paying him money for mentorship or consultation is going to help you, do it. But do it for YOU, not for him, and don't expect a miracle.
Did you notice the other between-the-lines bit of masculine wisdom?
You can continue to grow & expand on all the above steps for the rest of your natural life.
What will you miss on your path to become your own Man by not talking to me if you continue to expand, deepen and live a relaxed, grateful, fit life of alternating bouts of reflection and taking action?
What I hate most about advice in the manosphere is alpha male gurus trying to make clones of themselves with their clients. It is the easiest way to package and sell "advice"... take the same method and apply it to everyone, selling it as "the secret" to masculinity and being a Man.
There is no secret.
You are already a Man, capital M. There is nothing you will learn from another man that is not already inside you.
And I say this with 100% confidence because... this is how I became the Man I am, and how you found me and asked me to become your mentor.
Be your own guide is the root of my advice to any man looking for guidance to becoming a Man.
Walk outside your door right now and you will soon run into another man. Every single one of them will teach you something. The lessons you need on manhood are all around you - failures, successes and men stuck in the hell of being neither. Trust your gut. The more you begin to be guided my your own sense of self, the more men you will find coming into your life that can help you.
Whatever you decide to be, own it.
Some other guy, even me, tells you "That is not a Man.", tell them to fuck off. Seriously.
Every man, including you, is perfectly capable of thinking about his life and what direction he wants to take it.
Not my direction.
Not some other guys direction.
Just take the first step... on your own.
You won't regret it.
Strength & Honor