Last week I wrote about why your wife or LT-girlfriend not having sex with you is a big problem. A problem you need to fix. There is no shortage of advice out their for husbands whose wives have put a full talk-to-the-hand stop to any and all sexual advances made on them. Part of the fun of being a bachelor is knowing while I may be single and not getting sex right now, at least I don't have HIS problem - a woman I used to have sex with, and committed to hoping to secure regular sexual intimacy, now MAYBE getting lucky once a month.
A true story I overheard spoken by a young married man in his late 20s who is now on a stipend of sex gifted to him by his wife, once a month, if he's "lucky." I was already resigned to not having a family when I heard this in my late 30s, and every day since I turned 40 has only increased my thanks and gratitude for NOT being married to one of these sexless women. Every single man who hits his 40s knows his prospects start to drop precipitously (unless you make real $$$). I may not have a legacy to look forward to watch grow up, but at least I am not one of those guys. A man not just with a woman, but COMITTED TO HER, and not geting laid. Hey, I am the first (maybe only?) to acknowledge there is more to married life than sex... but... the moral and utilitarian advantage TO marrying a woman is... sex that is STD free and on the regular (especially with condoms and the pill). To have that denied a man with a "wave of the hand"... is no small affront.
Right up front, I have never been married or in what many would call a bon-a-fide relationship. If that rules me out for giving you married men advice, no worries. You can click back to Google and continue on with your search. If you decide to keep reading however, know this - I am not writing to give you a magic bullet. The truth is, there is no bullet stronger than Darwinian attraction and that is what I am basing my advice on. I don't talk a lot about sex or relationships on this blog primarily because I believe if you focus on becoming a Man, capital M, that she respects, sex with your wife or girlfriend will never be a problem for you. I say this because I do not intend to become a how-to-get-laid sex guru.
So, what can I, a single bachelor in his 40s with no real world relationship "skin-in-the-game" experience (as the new phrase du jour is in the Twitter sphere) give you for advice? All I can do is say...
IF... I was married and IF... my wife stopped having sex with me... this is what I would do to try and fix my problem.
And it is your problem. The second you stop blaming her and begin to look at yourself, you are already 50% of the way to solving the problem. It still takes two-to-tango and she wants you to learn some new steps!
Where should you start to get your wife or girlfriend horny to rip your clothes off again?
Stop needing or wanting sex with your wife/girlfriend.
I know. Counter-intuitive as fuck when you are not getting laid, but I did not promise you a 10-ways-to-get-your-wife-hot-for-you-again article now did I? Why do I give you this most paradoxical advice as step #1 to getting your wife to want you again sexually? Because that is precisely what these sexless husbands are looking for - how to make my wife want me sexually. The ROOT of your problem with your sexless wife is IN the very question you are asking and the answer you are desperately searching for. Did you note the problem in that desperate google search formulation from the way I worded it? You can't MAKE your wife want you sexually. You have to get her to WANT to want you sexually again. There is a big difference in mindset here. Think on this deeply.
Look. I am trying to tackle this problem from the root. I could go on like some other blogs about hypergamy, frame, the feminine imperative, the power of "dread Game" and blah blah blah. If you need a PhD to understand women, you don't understand them.
I'm a simple man. I like to keep things as simple as I can because it just hurts my brain too much to be bothered with a more complicated, "deep" answer when... simple works. It all boils down to Darwinian basics. No woman sexually desries a man that needs her. Married or single and out on the prowl, your desperation for sex is what turns EVERY woman off. If you are still obsessed with getting your dick wet, you will never get her pussy wet enough to want it.
Does James Bond obsess about the next time he is going to have sex?
BOND: "Can I get a bottle of chilled bollinger with beluga caviar."
ROOM SERVICE: "With everything?
BOND: Yes, with everything.
ROOM SERVICE: Would that be for two sir?"
ROOM SERVICE: "For two sir?"
BOND: "No... for one."
I have to tell you... out of all the scenes in Casino Royale, if ANY man is paying attention to learn the roots of attraction in the female... this short scene was it.
"But Maximus, Bond is a completely fictional character. You can't seriously expect me to take advice from a movie character do you?"
Well... ahem... you ARE reading the words of Maximus Decimus Meridius... but I digress.
Ok. Let's put your whiney rebuttal to the test. I am giving you some field research. Setup a night out with the boys - or even better, just out on your own - and make sure it ends in one of the hottest clubs in town. Roll in looking your very best - have ONE drink - and just look at all the eye candy on display. Don't even THINK about trying to talk to a single one of these ladies (coat check and serving girls being the exception, flirt away!). Just be sure to have a good time with your mates (or meeting new people) and that is ALL you are out for the night to accomplish - have a damn fine time enjoying life and creating enjoyable social bonds that is common to all humanity.
Now... you may or may not get the attention of some ladies. This will all depend on your level of physical conditioning, your style and yes, your height (are you paying attention yet?) and how well you pull off "having a good time" in your current psychological state. That said, once you are settled in, the exercise I want you to perform is to watch the younger guys - 20s to 30s - who are trying to get laid. Watch the guys that seem desperate for attention and are doing all they can to "game" the girls. Then watch the other thirsty dudes all milling about the hotties or hanging out on the walls like framed art work too scared to approach a single one of them. Finally... if you are lucky to have one in the crowd... watch that ONE guy who the girls all seem to gravitate toward (or are checking out on the sly) who is not even making one attempt to "hook up" as the young'ens like to call it now-a-days. What do you see in THAT one guy compared to ALL the other chods?
You guessed it... the Man, capital M, the girls are MOST attracted to is the one guy who doesn't give a shit about getting laid that night.
And he will be fucked because... he doesn't give two fucks if he leaves the club that night with a girl or not.
Stop trying to make your wife have sex with you. You are going about it ass-fucking backwards and we all know, you ain't looking for an ass fucking so stop it - kill your desperation.
"But Maximus... this is a club!!! Your a single guy. How does that scenario relate to me, a married man with a wife who won't have sex with him?"
Man... can you HEAR the whine in your voice?
Were you married to your wife when you first met her?
Were you married to your wife when you first had sex with her? Or tried to and made out hot-&-heavy for the first time hoping the second time would be a home run round third base on date #3?
Nothing has changed in the female you first met, wedd and were once having sex with. What has changed is your desperation for sex now that you are 'guaranteed' it. Reflect on this deeply.
Stop making eye contact with her.
Did you get some eye contact that night out at the club? What about the young lions you watched? Were the girls eyeing them up from afar, hoping the boys did not notice they were being checked out?
The number one concern of the female... is emotional connection in a long term mate partner.
How does that emotional connection start?
With eye contact.
How do you deepen that emotional bond?
With physical touch.
You can't ignore your wife or girlfriend outright. That would just make you an ass and NOT help the situation.
You have to take away the #1 thing a woman is most sensitive to in her mate - your attention in the form of eye contact - seeing her and thus acknowledging her presence in YOUR reality.
But I won't just state this and ask you to accept it. I will prove it (and begin to give everyone a taste for the book I may, one day, finally complete).
“David’s mother said that his love affair with movement was obvious from day one. ‘When I put him in the bassinet, I thought he would cry and look beseechingly at me the way Grace [his sister] did when she was a baby,’ she said ‘But as soon as he spotted the moving mobile, he forgot I was there.”
David was only 24 hours old, and without encouragement or instruction from anyone, he stared at the rotating triangles and squares on the mobile and seemed to find them fascinating.
Louann Brizendine. MD, The Male Brain, pg. 10
Just about the first thing the female brain compels a baby to do is STUDY FACES. Cara, a former student of mine, brought her baby Leila in to see us for regular visits. We loved watching how Leila changed as she grew up, and we saw her pretty much from birth through kindergarten.
At a few weeks old, Leila was studying every face that appeared in front of her. My staff and I made plenty of eye contact, and soon she was smiling back at us. We mirrored each other's faces and sounds, and it was fun bonding with her.
I [the author] wanted to take her home with me , particularly because I hadn't had the same experience with my son. I loved that this baby girl wanted to look at me, and I wished my son had been so interested in my face.
Louann Brizendine. MD, The Female Brain, pg. 14
THAT... is how important eye contact is to the female from her mate. Right now, your wife or live-in, common law girlfriend is no longer seeking or caring you are looking at her because... you always are with those damn desperate, thirsty eyes! Try slipping into her shoes for just ONE minute of married life with you. "Oh God... there he is starring at me again wanting it. Jebus, you'd think he was going to DIE if I did not have sex with him right now."
Take away your eye contact.
Always talk and converse, respond as you normally would to her inquiries, just don't look at her or do so sparingly.
On a personal level, I can give you a story from the last woman I had sex with and a local grocery clerk girl on just how important eye contact is in both sexes to establishing a bond of attraction and trust.
The last woman I had sex with was a great experience. It will also be my last most likely as I have decided I simply don't need my ego propped up any longer with the psychological need to get laid. We were pretty new to one another, not dating in any real way, shape or form. I enjoyed her company and well... one thing leads to another, as usual. But this time, while I enjoyed having sex with her, and looking at her, I did find myself NOT looking her in the eyes. I don't know why, but I suspect this had to do with my conflicted feelings about what I was doing having sex again with a woman I did not plan on being in a relationship with nor could see myself marrying (i.e. starting a family). Once you pass the milestone of 40 years on this earth, if you are actually growing as a human being, not just a Man, you begin to realize all sex outside of a committed relationship is... childish ego boosting. "Ha ha ha... look at us in the mirror!!!" were her exact words at one point. BOTH of our EGOS were LOVING what we were doing to one another... and that experience proved to me it truly was time to grow up and move on.
And this is the case with your need for your wife to want to have sex with you. Your ego is taking a blow and it is not liking it.
As we enjoyed each other over the hours we spent together, I found it was her who was always trying to initiate eye contact with me. Again, she is just a good (and clearly comfortable with me) casual acquaintance. She has never hinted at wanting a relationship with me and I have never pursued or tried to start one. And yet... there it is. The need for eye contact by the female from the male. It never bothered me. I always returned it, especially when I was balls deep, but I always looked away again quickly there after to focus on what I was doing. I enjoyed BEING with her... but I did not want to BE WITH her. And this showed... in my lack of returned and pursued eye contact with her on my part.
To the young grocery clerk blonde at checkout. Far too young for me (18) and she caught me checking her out at one point while I was shopping. A few young girls did and, as is the problem with white western women, they got really uppity about it. Yes, I was older, but they were the ones to initiate the hunt for eye contact with me. It was their heads turning when I walked in the store, from day one, not mine. Because I don't shit in my own backyard (and especially not with barely legal), I began to ignore them. They noticed. I walked to the old girls at checkout every time. If they were open and it was obvious they were open and it would be further away for me to go to one of the old gals, to NOT go to them would be a clear sign of avoidance and I never did that. I would stride on up confidently and enter their checkout lane, but I was always a full face of stone-cold-Steve-Austin neutral. Neutral hello. Neutral thank you. Neutral good bye. I flashed the occasional smile or laugh ONLY when the situation warranted but... most importantly... I never made eye contact again. Not straight, look them in the eye kind of contact a male would do if he was mate hunting and checking for/sending interest signals.
Just this past week, as I was once again doing my neutral thing, the one blonde that clearly caught me checking her out started hunting for eye contact just as she was giving me my change and about to go. Subtle shit. She was not starring at me, but she was NOT ignoring me (like the other taller one now). She handed me my change and SNAP, up shot her eyes in a fast look to mine ONLY to CHECK if I was trying to do the same. I was not. Her flash attempt at eye contact caught me off guard and instinctually, I found myself responding to her attempt to make eye contact by looking up at her eyes. Only briefly, and friendly, and then I left. I also want to add that when I stopped ALL attempts to check her out... the blonde is now more friendly and relaxed (body language) AND... seems to be TRYING to be smiley/flirty (which is a change from the bitch shield I got shortly after I got caught checking her out). The taller one (who responded well at first to flirting), now only looks depressed. She was the first one to respond strongly to first contact and I found myself naturally TRYING to flirt... until I began to realize her age! She has never tried to look at me when I go to the till, only the blonde this past week and HER hunt for eye contact made ME feel weird. That's how I know it was real... I INSTINCTUALLY responded because SHE was initiating a mating signal that I WAS NOT LOOKING/TRYING FOR.
Is this all in my head? Just the crazy imaginings of a 40-something bachelor thinking these young girls are checking him out? Could be. And might be if I did not a) have experience with women and b) was not actively trying to NOT initiate anything with them. Keep in mind, I don't believe for a SECOND this blonde is truly interested in me. She is most likely just testing her powers of attention seeking and getting a male to look at her. You just get a 6th sense after awhile and, for me at least, this last attempt by a female to FORCE eye contact from me proved just how important it is to women... even if they have ZERO interest or attraction in a male.
Why was this young 18 year old trying to get eye contact with me?
Because the female HATES being ignored.
If the male a female has bonded with for mate provision and protection of her young STOPS noticing her... she has a BIG problem.
I don't care how many years you have been married. If you subtly start to take away eye contact during conversation.
If you always seem to be "busy" focusing your attention on something else while she is talking to you.
If you neutrally look through her when the situation warrants you turn your face toward her for conversation.
She will notice... and she will start to try to get you to make eye contact with her by...
Stop touching her.
I don't think this needs all that much elaboration. It is the same concept as restricting eye contact. You are removing male attention from the female in physical form now.
Right now, she is SOOOOOO used to you pawing at her for sex like a starving puppy. Stop it.
Also stop any usual couple-ish intimate touching throughout the day.
I am NOT talking about not hugging her or not kissing her.
I am talking about restricting the urge to reach out and touch her when you are doing it FOR sexual intimacy needs or signalling as such.
Hug her in the morning before leaving for work. Kiss her when you return home (without eye contact!) if that is your usual thing. But outside of what you would consider being a passive aggressive beta loser who is throwing a tantrum by "not interacting with her"... cut off all physical contact you have with her.
As with eye contact, SHE should start to initiate touch with you. She will do this to try and get your eye contact again! ("Hey... look at me when I am talking to you!") If she does initiate touch with you, don't return it right away. Just let her touch you and allow her to get used to INITIATING touching you again to get your attention. After eye contact, touch is the 2nd most powerful mating cue in human beings. You WANT her to WANT to touch you again don't you?
Outside of the take-away of eye contact and physical touch, the other basic tactics to inspire your wife's desire for you, her husband, should be to go back to being the fun, sexy and attractive bachelor you were before you were married. If you were not, it's time to re-invent yourself and become one!
What were you doing before you married a woman who will no longer have sex with you?
- Focusing on your hobbies.
- Working out, playing sports and staying in shape.
- Reading to keep abreast of the latest in your career/profession, to stay on top of your game financially.
- Going out regularly with a good close friend or two, just the guys, and enjoying the company of male companionship without the worries about the problems of the fairer sex.
In short... go back to BEING a single dude.
A guy who enjoys his life immensely with a woman in it or not.
The main appeal of Bond - sexually - to women is made crystal clear in this return of the Bond franchise with Daniel Craig.
A man who enjoys life is always quick to laugh because he maintains a boyish, mischievous desire to be an impish, impudent child at all times with women... and he will always get her pussy wet because of it.
Why? Because Bond just does not care if he gets laid or not. His mission in life is to please himself first, women second. (Pretty sure there's a Sean Connery Bond line saying just this. "In Japan Mr. Bond... men come first, women second.")
Which does not mean you turn into one of those hilarious (oh let's be honest, embarrassing) alpha-posing "G's" and start running around mid-life-crisis style playing poker, smoking cigars, drinking martinis and slapping girls on the ass. That last, especially in 2017, will get you in a lot of trouble. No, these are all classic "man" troupes and stereotypes well played by Craig in Casino Royale.
But did you note the difference between the faux G alpha and the real deal in Bond?
Bond... has a drink because it suits him, not because it makes him a man. (i.e. he feels ZERO desire and gives ZERO fucks about what he does saying anything about him being "a man.")
Bond... plays poker to work a play, a strategy, to an end goal, not to be an alpha "G" who knows how to "roll with the high rollers." (Again... Bond gives ZERO fucks what any woman, or man, thinks of his lifestyle choices.)
Bond... pursues women as they come into his path in the pursuit of his life, not because he has some pathetic, desperate "need" that "must" be satisfied. He's out pursuing life. A woman crosses his path. He takes a fancy to her. He makes a confident approach knowing if not THIS girl, there will be A girl eventually because... he just keeps running into these hot girls all over the place. (Seriously, look around you on any given day and KNOW you are the prize to be won, not them.)
Bond... does not need a woman or sex to be happy. And that is why women always want his D.
As for time frame, give it at least three to six months to see how your wife responds to your eye and touch take-a-way. It should not take longer than that (and hopefully much shorter). She is of course at this point VERY familiar with you. She may not notice you taking away eye contact or touch at first. But, if she cares about you at all, her female DNA will kick in at some point and... without you actually having to say anything (i.e. the preferred way of communication with women), she will "pick up" that "something is wrong" and want to sit down and "have a talk" about what that is with you.
If your wife fails to try to regain eye contact...
If your wife fails to reach out and touch you to regain your attention...
You got bigger problems than whether or not you are going to get laid again by her. We are talking about your removal of the base genetic roots of female mate guarding of a male, and she is not being triggered by that removal of the very cues that tell her HER male is still interested and attracted to her. You may have to start asking yourself why she even married you in the first place if she seems not just ok, but PERFECTLY FINE with you no longer looking at her or touching her. At this point, it may be her with the problem and not you. She is your tango partner, but she has to want to dance with you.
A woman marries a man for many reasons, the last of which is love.
If she "loved" you, as I amply proved in my post last week, she would be having sex with you.
If you do all the above and she still does not respond, I think it would be best to sit down and have a serious discusion about the issue. You are not going to fix this without talking about it at this point. You have tried the two most powerful ways to tell a woman without telling her... that something is wrong with her relationship with her mate.
If she does reach out to touch you and search for eye contact from you again... do what Bond did and look straight into her soul.
Fuck her pussy through her eyes... and watch them go as wide as a deer as Solange's did when she realized... Bond was not just joking around about getting a drink at his place. Note as well that the director of Casino Royale truly put Craig on the spot. That pan back and forth between him and Solange... not once, not even twice... but FOUR times... and the length of time the director LEFT the camera on Craig the final time and FORCED him to "do his thing with his eyes"... I dare you not to feel uncomfortable watching it BECAUSE it is a scene that strikes to the HEART of a Man's confidence in himself when grabbing his balls and slapping them on the table before a female through eye contact sub-communication. "Yea... I got a pair. And you? What's between your legs baby?"
Practice this in the mirror. You don't want to freak her out (like you are angry or frustrated). If you are not well practiced with fucking your wife with your eyes, you will need to practice on yourself first. You may even want to try it with some female strangers you meet as you go about your life. IF... these cute girls try to make eye contact with you... return it. Be quick, be polite, but be direct. If you are truly bold, initiate and LOOK at her... RIGHT into her... and then quickly glance away to the side. It will only take a mere second or two glance to communicate with the female if you are doing it right. Start to get comfortable looking at a woman with NOTHING but LUST in your eyes. You will know your eye contact is triggering the primal when, well... you will see it in that female stranger's response. It will be in her body, but also in her eyes. She will literally look at you with a frozen caught-dead-staring kind of look she CAN'T break away from. THAT... is when you are ready to try the same look on your wife when she tries to get you to return eye contact with her.
KEY POINT: You are looking at a woman with LUST in your eyes... but ZERO expectation of actually consummating that lust. You don't need to. You are a man that KNOWS he will be fucking a woman. She knows this because of the way you look at her with NO expectation (i.e. desperation) because... "it" is already a done deal in your mind. If the female is attracted/interested, she can't help but respond. If not, she won't.
It took me a long time to get used to looking at a woman with lust when I first took the Red Pill and started to try to connect with my sexual side. I was a nice guy. I did not want to "look at a woman in that way." But now in my 40s... it's as sharp as Bond's. It's a look in the eye that says a Man KNOWS his worth. It's a leveling look that calmly, confidently says to her "Do you measure up? Are you WORTH my TIME to even consider talking to you, because fucking you is a given."
It won't take you long to get a feel for it if you have any confidence in yourself and with the attraction your wife first felt with you. But if you find yourself struggling with this level and depth of eye contact communication... well... that's a whole other post. Isn't it awesome being a Man!
I wish you all the best and good luck.
Strength & Honor